I just want things to be easy

Coasting through life sounds delightful.

This one’s a little different than my usual posts. Less carefully edited essay and more stream of consciousness. Late night, drifting-off-to-sleep thoughts (that I miraculously managed to remember in the morning), brought to you by a recent period of heightened anxiety, exhaustion, and creative frustration. After sitting with these thoughts for a few days while I created the artwork to go with it, I wondered whether I should even post it. Is it too much of a downer, too whiny? If I’m feeling less overwhelmed today, are my feelings from yesterday still valid? But then I remembered I’m trying to stop suppressing my emotions and actually feel them (ugh, right?). So here we are. I hope something in here might speak to you, and if you’re currently feeling overwhelmed yourself, know you’re not alone. ❤️

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I just want things to be easy for once. For a little while at least.

To get out of bed when my body is ready, eat an unrushed breakfast, drink a cup of tea, read several chapters of a good book, lunch, harvest some crops in a quiet pixel village, take a walk, dinner, watch a movie, make love, drift off to sleep. Repeat.

To sit down at my computer and have the words flow. From thought to my fingers to the blank page. Letters to words to sentences to paragraphs to chapters. A universe unfolding in keystrokes. Plucked from the air rather than pulled like teeth. Basking in the light of a new story rather than grasping about in the darkness. A woven tapestry rather than tangled threads that might make a picture someday. If I’m lucky.

To explore instead of rush. To savor instead of scarf down. To meander instead of hustle. To rest instead of recuperate. To frolic instead of fret. To play instead of power through. To create for myself instead of for someone else.

To coast instead of catch up.

They say “coasting” like it’s a bad thing. An insult. A character flaw. “They’re coasting through life.” As if it’s wrong to want to relax, to ease your aching muscles, to take a deep breath. To be carried along with the sun in your face and the wind in your hair. With less effort and more enjoyment.

Instead the wheels keep on spinning and you can’t stop pedaling because there are bills to be paid and you don’t have sick leave and you only get ten days’ paid time off a year and you’re saving what’s left for the holidays, your favorite time of year that you hope won’t be marred by the outcome of November 5th. You hope. You hope.

Because gasping for air is exhausting. Getting the wind knocked out of your lungs with each new headline. Each hateful tweet or Instagram comment. Each bomb dropped on people who just want to live, to relax, to ease their aching muscles and broken hearts and starving bellies, to breathe, to exist, to love.

I know I am privileged. I am white and cis. I own a home. I have a job and reliable transportation and a bank account with more than a few dollars and cents in it. I have a spouse who adores me. A small, but loving circle of friends.

I know I’m supposed to be grateful and I am. I know that it’s not all bad. I cling to every bit of joy, every everyday moment of delight that I can. I know I have it easier than many, many other folks. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. And is it so wrong to want it to be?

I want it for all of us. For things to just be easy for once.

I know it can’t always be. But at least for a little while…it would be nice.

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The stuff bringing me healing and joy in the midst of the dumpster fire.

🤸‍♀️ The Olympics. As a child who was obsessed with watching Olympic gymnastics, it’s been kind of healing to lean into that nostalgia and cheer for a U.S. women’s team full of amazing athletes, particularly with Simone Biles sticking it (🥁) to everyone who thinks prioritizing your mental health is stupid. Also, Pommel Horse Guy is the hero we all needed.

🗳️ Harris for President and the wholesomeness that is Tim Walz. I’d forgotten what it’s like to have competent humans on the presidential ballot. Seeing orange man unravel and hearing all the ways Walz has led the charge in championing great policies and protecting the queer community really is giving me hope for November.

🗣️ Voicing my needs. Okay, so this is a work in progress, but today I told my boss it would be a major stress reliever if I could have a few days of available paid sick leave each year. He immediately agreed. Sometimes you really do just need to have the courage to ask.

🤖 The Murderbot Diaries. I discovered this sci-fi series by Martha Wells earlier this year and I am OBSESSED.

🫖 Herbal tea. I’ve had to accept the fact that caffeine (even low amounts) and my nervous system have become mortal enemies. So I’ve been buying alllll the caffeine-free blends from Smith Tea. My faves: Meadow, Golden Light, Ginger Splash, and Dandy Detox.

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